wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
