He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
