They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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