Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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