I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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