woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
