I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
