I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
