I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
