i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
