I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
