k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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