I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
