I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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