I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
