I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
