Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
