this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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