he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
