Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize