can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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