Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
