dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
