don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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