you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He passed out mid-signature
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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