I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize