u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
