I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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