i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
