You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
