I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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