I think i peed on brittanys purse
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
