i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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