This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
