I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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