i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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