quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
