I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
