She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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