If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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