FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
