Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
