Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
