Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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