I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
