I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
