I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
