I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
