My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
