allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Randomize
