i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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