I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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