gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Randomize
