When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
