3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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