I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
