I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
