I could have mohawked her pubes.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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