I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
