So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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