Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
