I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Randomize
