hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
