My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
