this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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