He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
