Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
