Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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